Things My Mom Taught Me 2
Lessons for life from my mother
TW: mention of domestic violence
I’ve started to wade into the very scary waters of writing publicly about my mom. Those who are close to me know how hard this is to do. I want to be respectful of someone who is still very much alive, and is someone I have not been in relationship with for nearly ten years. There is a lot I’d like to share, a lot I think others would benefit from, but I have been paralyzed with fear about writing about her and our relationship. There is a lot of good and despite the hard stuff, I do want the best for her. This series is my leap of faith, wading into writing about my family, specifically my mom.
It wasn’t all bad with my mom. We had periods where we were really close and there was a lot of joy and emotional support. But there’s a lot of harm woven throughout our relationship too. I learned how to be a strong, confident woman because of her, and stood firm in myself TO her. I became the woman she raised me to be, and then once I grew up, I got the sense that she didn’t seem to like me very much. It’s been a very confusing thing to sort out in adulthood.
Based on what I’ve shared with my close loved ones, there are some key lessons from my mom I do want to share with a wider audience, and that’s how this series was born. This excerpt is from my first newsletter in this series:
Today’s post is the first of a series of newsletters focused on things that my mom taught me that are very good. Things that are useful. Things that have kept me safe as a woman in this world. Things that have made me who I am. I have been keeping track of them through the last decade as I have moved through sorrow and anger. It’s weird to be so mad at someone and also grateful for how they shaped you. Not in a “what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger” way but in a “I love this part of who I am and it’s because of my mom” way.
So, here is the second installment of lessons I’ve learned from my mom that have stuck with me, shaped me, and is advice I now give to you from the Deep North where we celebrate how warm 11 degrees felt yesterday morning.
The escalation of violence
Please skip this section if you need to - take care of yourself.
My mom’s childhood was hard. She only shared snippets, but her father was not a kind man. She, like so many other children before and after her, witnessed domestic violence in her household growing up. It was so bad that her mom divorced her dad in the 1960s and moved across the country with a young child in tow to a small town in Minnesota to escape. This experience changes a person forever.
When I was growing up, my mother would adamantly tell me that if a man (or person) hit, slammed, or broke things, there would always come a time when they would hit, slam, or break you. It’s a reasonable lesson to have learned based on her experience in childhood. She was determined to break part of the harmful generational cycle when raising me, so it was imperative that I learned this lesson. I have warned friends of this sentiment, have been wary of people who smack a table when they lose a board game, and it has kept me safe.
My husband is an extremely kind man who does not use his body to be violent to process anger or frustration, and I am so grateful to my mom who taught me to look for these things in a partner.
Stick to your signature dishes
My mom was not a top tier cook by any means. She didn’t seem to like cooking very much at all. Our home was filled with MLM products for the kitchen meant to make her life easier, promising to reduce her time in the kitchen, and many of our meals were made in the microwave. My mom was a capital F feminist in her day so it’s always so odd to think about how she ended up a stay-at-home mom in rural Minnesota, tasked with gendered duties she did not want to be doing. If we were still in contact, I’d ask her all about how she felt about her life and what it was like to be in a role she hadn’t imagined for herself - making dinner every night and keeping house.
There were a few things food-wise she was known for, and she really stuck to those. I get it! I like to do what I’m good at so that I know it will turn out well. I am a perfectionist! She made a dish called “Monica’s Hotdish” from a family friend that I’ve been thinking about a lot recently. Her scotcheroos, named Peanut Butter Bars in my family, are the best. I make them for people now and literally every person says that they are the best ones they’ve ever had. Her Swedish meatballs are ones I’ve been trying to recreate for years. The iconic ice cream bucket of chocolate chip cookies for the first day of school is a tradition I have kept up, using her recipe I snagged at some point in my early 20s.
Whatever your signature dish is, cook that. Make that for your friends. For loved ones. For yourself. Be an expert in it and know the dish so well you can maybe even whip it up from memory.
Do something with your hands
Fiber arts are simply THAT GIRL. I’ve known this my whole life. My mom started to crochet when she was dating my dad. He’d watch sports all weekend and to hang out with him, she had to do that too even though she worked in the theater and did not care about sports. The time that women give up for sports they do not like is mind-boggling to me. Anyway, she tried to read but with all the yelling at the TV she would lose her place in her book and her comprehension would be trash. So she began to crochet while watching sports. It was something she could do to be creative, while hanging out with her man.
She taught me to crochet when I was eight but maybe I was seven. I chain stitched entire skeins of yarn to get my tension right, made clothes for my beanie babies and scarves for my dolls. I crocheted when I was stuck at community theater rehearsal when my mom was directing, or at basketball games my dad was refereeing. I crocheted on the swim bus to and from meets when I was in middle school, and during movie marathons. I crocheted throughout college and young adulthood, making blanket after blanket for friends and myself. I have made countless stuffed animals and food (amigurumi) toys out of yarn for kids in my life in the last couple of years. I was (am) a fiend for crocheting.
I had a lot of crafts I loved as a kid, but none that has continued to capture my attention and joy like crochet has. As we speak, I am making up my own pattern for a bonnet/scarf that is very trendy in the knitting world right now. There’s no crochet pattern I’ve found that is similar so I’m making my own. I am writing this newsletter but there is a part of me that wishes I could work on the crochet project at the same time as writing this. We have a very long winter here in the Deep North and it’s amazing what a couple of projects can do for your mood!
I wouldn’t have any of this without my mom. Having something to do with your hands has saved me hours of doom scrolling as an adult, has helped me process traumas, and has given me so many beautiful handmade things I use every single day.
If you’re not into fiber arts like embroidery, knitting, crochet, or weaving, might I suggest gardening, video games, painting, drawing, pottery?! Get a hobby that involves your hands so you can just zone out and do that! It’s good for you.
I have so much gratitude for the lessons imparted to me by my mother, a woman who lived through so much. Get a hand hobby! Avoid people who hit stuff! Make your signature dish every chance you get!
Audrey’s Cookbooks
I’m still living by the Ins and Outs list I made earlier in the year for the business. I’m still trying to think about how to make brick and mortar work long-term - a feat that is feeling more and more difficult. Other small business owners say that they can’t make it as a physical storefront alone, but I’m not yet willing to do online bookselling since my day job is so demanding. I’ve been thinking about how to do more ticketed events (i.e. cookbook clubs, author events, cooking retreats, etc.), and if a monthly offering would help bring in more predictable and versatile income besides pop-ups and markets. I’m open to lots of ideas and trying things out in this early phase of being a small business owner so we will see what I try this year!
Pop-Up Updates
We have taken a break from pop-ups in the early part of the year, but we are back in a big way! Check out the Events page on the website and come shop. I put in a big cookbook order this last week and it’s got me thinking so much about what sorts of cookbooks will be helpful during this year. Already thinking about vegetarian cooking, stretching ingredients, and comfort foods to get us through. Let me know what else you are looking for! Looking forward to getting back to being in person so I can chat with y'all.
Things I Like
I am on a quest to find vessels for my homemade cortados. I love a double walled clear glass like this one, but I want a cutie travel mug too. I’ve thought about this 8 oz Yeti but a cortado wouldn’t fill this cup so then I wonder if the $$ is worth it. Anyway, lmk if you have any other recommendations!
Everything Becca Murray touches is gold, but this video about bagged salad is sticking with me these last few weeks.
Remember that you can dye your clothes! I bought a white cotton long sleeve tee and I’m going to dye it a chartreuse color because I can’t find a shirt that exists that I like in that color. Here’s the recipe I use. Let’s be twins!
May your week be gentle and may you eat well. 🌲🥣