Things My Mom Taught Me 1
Lessons and gratitude
My mom and I have a complicated relationship. I haven’t seen her or spoken to her in nine and a half years. We are *~eStRAnGeD~*. I have a lot of heartbreak about it - about the woman she is, the mom she could have been, the relationship we are robbed of. There’s hurt and therapy to deal with the grief of someone still alive and physically not that far away who doesn’t want to go to therapy to have a relationship with their adult child. I have fond memories and longing paired with her sharp critiques that still swirl in my head.
Estrangement is not something that is packed away and sorted out once and for all. It is always there. I am always a person with a mom who is alive but who I don’t see, and that pain persists. In the grief and healing, it’s been very strange to miss my mom. When I had surgery in the fall, I asked my husband to take care of me like she used to when I was sick. When I go to live theatre, I wish I could call and talk to her about it. When I figure out a new craft, I imagine how she would have helped me through the process to make it easier to learn. When I hear a song she loved, I miss dancing with her in the dining room we couldn’t use because the table was piled with stuff. When I imagine a cursive J, I miss her handwriting.
There is a lot I don’t miss about her. I won’t write about that here because that is between myself and my close loved ones and my very excellent therapist. Today’s post is the first of a series of newsletters focused on things that my mom taught me that are very good. Things that are useful. Things that have kept me safe as a woman in this world. Things that have made me who I am. I have been keeping track of them through the last decade as I have moved through sorrow and anger. It’s weird to be so mad at someone and also grateful for how they shaped you. Not in a “what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger” way but in a “I love this part of who I am and it’s because of my mom” way.
I’ll focus this series on advice, tips, etc. that apply to living in the Deep North - the upper Midwest - region of the U.S. with a few general tips applicable to living anywhere. I’m really looking forward to letting these thoughts breathe a little and take up space on the page/screen instead of living in my head. Thank you always, but especially today, for reading.
Walk Like A Penguin
This one is a practical one for living in a cold climate that gets snow that eventually becomes ice thanks to frigid temperatures. “Hands out of your pockets” can save you from a rough fall. Of course, your arms and hands might bear the brunt of a fall on ice, but it is likely preferable to having your whole body crash down hard. You can feel free to put your arms outward fully like a penguin, but I find that just keeping my “hands out of pockets” has served me well. I hear my mom’s voice over and over again in my head throughout every winter. I also shuffle my feet when it’s super icy and I have to get across a slick area. But I don’t do that nearly as often as keeping my hands out and free in the winter months.
Cut Bars in Imperfect Squares
If you’ve been reading this newsletter for six months or more, you already know that I swear by this rule. Many chefs and home cooks aim for precision in measuring ingredients, shaping dough, and portioning out exactly equal servings. My mom simply rejected that. She would slice bars, cakes, and bake up cookies in various sizes so that there would be a perfect for a portioned treat, whatever the portion your heart desired. This was intuitive eating before it was trendy!
I would have an enormous peanut butter bar (what my mom called Scotcheroos) for an afternoon snack, and a little one for dessert, or vice versa based on how I was feeling. I still cut things imperfectly every time I bake or even slice a pizza, and it always feels so good to not fret over measuring things perfectly. Release yourself from perfection and just cut your sweets in different sizes! They always seem to get eaten, even if they aren’t the exact same.
Fill a Home with Books
Growing up, I could get *maybe* one toy on a given shopping trip depending on many factors, but books were basically unlimited (or felt that way). My parents both read voraciously, as did I. I sped read my way through series after series after series. I used crafting books to make things with my hands, and I pored over nonfiction books based on my interests. We had bookshelves in nearly every room in the house, organized by category, maintained somehow by one of us. There was a floor to ceiling bookshelf that took up a whole wall in our basement, a shelving unit that held a complete set of encyclopedias, a hallway shelf that had religious books and some of my most treasured picture books and chapter book series, a bookshelf in every bedroom, and of course a countertop shelf of cookbooks in the kitchen. Even with all of that, there were books on ottomans, in baskets for easy reach, and stacks of books on the floor throughout my childhood home.
Now as an adult, I am grateful to have a spouse who also loves books. We have bookshelves in most rooms just like when I grew up, and even if I only have the energy to read on school breaks, I know that I will have something to read when I have the time.
Even if our relationship is complicated, I am grateful for the lessons my mom taught me, and I’m eager to share them with all of you!
Audrey’s Cookbooks
January Updates
I’ve been really quiet in January business-wise. Part of that is because every other small business is slowing down so it feels only right to do same. Much of my energy last year was getting up and running and my creative juices were kind of depleted. I have a few things rolling around in my head but one of them is launching below!
I don’t have any pop-ups set for February so I’m probably going to dive into a sustainable storage for cookbook inventory and take a stab at posting more on social media. Hoping for a couple pop-ups in March! Let me know where you’d like to see Audrey’s Cookbooks next!
The Sink Project
The Sink Project is something I want to explore through my business this year. There’s something so personal about what your sink looks like when the dishes haven’t been done. How do you organize your dishes? Are the dishes ones from a dinner party or from Girl Dinner? Maybe there’s a bowl I also have, or the remnants of a cup of coffee that is exactly the color I like my coffee with cream. When I look at photos like the ones below, they feel so familiar. For hundreds of years people have been cleaning the bowls and cups and utensils they use to cook and eat, and I think there’s something very precious about that.
You can send me photos of your sink full of dishes on Substack, or post them to your Instagram and tag @audreyscookbooks. Maybe you want to “dish” about a secret from the kitchen you’ve been dying to share! I’ll repost and/or share (anonymously if you’d like!) every so often. I’m hoping it’ll be a fun way to build some community in 2025 among all of us who love to be in the kitchen!
Things I Like
Joy Oladokun is an artist I found in 2020 via TikTok, and has been a mainstay of my listening since. I went to her concert at First Ave recently and was blown away by her musicianship in person. Everyone should go listen to her music this week. Listen to my favorite songs:
Having a good cry after a long emotionally exhausting week. There’s only so much one person can hold and it was kinda great to just let it all seep out of my eyes when the tears needed.
This crossbody bag. Drool.
Breakfast waffles every Saturday.
Doing a little “Joy Audit,” inspired by this Instagram post.
May your week be gentle and may you eat well. 🌲🥣